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Midget Tossing – A Lost Art
It’s 2am. It’s dark outside. I look at my clock with the sudden realization that there are literally hundreds and thousands of people out there getting wasted on cheap booze and generally having a much better time than me. I rub my eyes, sigh, shake my head and start again. Not because I’m better than them. And not because I’m a sad, boxed-in loser either (although that’s debatable). in darkness. I don’t care about those things. Why? Because I stumbled upon the ancient art of Midget Throwing!
Maybe it’s a sign of the times. Maybe I finally went crazy. I spent the whole night observing flying dwarfs. There’s a story to this – you may have seen our recent article ‘The A-Team – then and now’. If you haven’t, then you better drag your worthless ass over there. After uploading this particular masterpiece, I read and one sentence in particular escaped me: “Mr T is the winner of the World’s Toughest Bouncer contest. One of the events of the contest was the throwing of dwarf (since banned.)” Dwarf Tossing?! It looks great! I had to know more!!
The lost sport of Dwarf Tossing / Midget Throwing originated in Australia in the 1980s – a pub game for bored white country types, bored of driving their tractors. According to one website (hosted on the ever-reliable BBC.co.uk):
“This pub sport can be played by anyone, as the need for heavy drinking for preparation purposes is totally optional, but highly recommended. Both men and women can play and even compete against each other one-on-one. Unfortunately for the men, the women who usually participate tend to have masculine qualities. This has meant that the usual exchange of shirts at the end of each competition has been dropped, due to constant complaints from women that the shirts given to them were always too small and that they would not want to wear the shirt of a ‘chauvinistic pig who likes to throw people with restricted growth anyway’.
Big muscles, strong legs and arbitrary beer belly are the secret physical weapons of a true dwarf throwing athlete. However, to fully master the sport, the athlete must also possess the strength of an ox, the speed of a leopard, the timing of a magician, the patience of a predator, and the appearance of a fairly bull. tall sitting on a wasp. In order for “people pacified with their horizontally perpendicular situation” to participate in a throwing competition, they must always wear full protective clothing. Injuries are a serious threat to the career of a dwarf pitcher who, if on tour, can earn a six-figure sum for people to share their highly specialized area of expertise.”
“Unlike golf, it is a real spectator sport worthy of all the Olympic Games but thanks to the interventions of “people who negotiate a lack of humour”, no professional body has been created to organize and finance globally what can only be described as the only sport that promotes an unbiased view of society (although there is currently a UK dwarf throwing association).”
Christopher Reeve shivers in his grave. Lois Lane weeps silently.
These flying dwarves get six-figure salaries? Can this be true? ! Which makes me wonder – who in the name of Jesus H Jones is paying these people? Is there a Flying Midgets union? Can you imagine putting that on your resume? I wonder if these talented human missiles get a hazard bounty?
Basically, the rules are as follows; you take your selected dwarf (which will likely adorn some sort of helmet and safety vest), do a three-step swing, and launch the little bugger as far as you can. Lo and behold, this is perhaps the most non-PC sport ever invented. Whoever gets their human missile the farthest is the winner. Although I shudder to think of the kind of prize that would be awarded. Sexual favors maybe… who knows?
The first of these twisted little events to gain real recognition was the World Midget Throwing Championship (I’m not kidding) which took place sometime in 1986 – further proof of what a messed up decade was. This particular draw was won by the England team – Danny Blue, Roy Merrin and Lenny The Giant, the heroes of the hour.
Make and break records.
Take a look at the rather wonderful newspaper clipping on the right. I guarantee it is genuine. The current world record for the longest throw is held by a white weirdo named Cuddles. Bless. I bet he loves his mom and everything. The throw was an impressive 12-foot-9. Cuddles belongs to a team of circus escapees calling themselves the Oddballs. The Oddballs are primarily famous for their rather racy (and un-nervously homoerotic) “balloon dance,” which essentially involves them strutting around naked with balloons covering their dewy, shrunken manhoods.
It seems local newspapers were all over the place, eager to bring you the latest news on this extreme spectacle sport for the new millennium. Seems not much happens in any sleep-filled country hovel (we’ll call it Sheepball-on-sea). .
Oh, and by the way (if you don’t care) – according to some haggard random site that I’ve since forgotten, the English are still world champions. Another black eye at national pride, I think. We might suck at the Olympics, or any real sport for that matter, but damn it – we really can let these midgets fly.
Naturally, when people heard about this sick, non-PC, offensive, yet oddly fascinating sport, they rallied in droves to get it banned. Wow, that must have been one hell of a sight – hundreds of people marching past courthouses, demanding that vertical challengers be allowed to stay down. I would have loved to be there. Cursed setback.
It was 1989, and the world’s only disability support group – The Little People Of America – traveled to Florida and convinced lawmakers there that this strange sport was in fact cruel and had to be stopped. The measure banning dwarf throwing passed by a wide margin, and dwarf throwing was banned in Florida and New York. Yet in the PLA’s home state of Texas, you can still throw migdets to your heart’s content. Want to abuse a dwarf? Now you have to get in your car and drive… Later, Dave Flood, who appears on a morning radio show as “Dave the Dwarf”, took the case to court and returned the sport illegal in bars. Thanks Dave.
In Ontario, Canada, the Prohibition of Dwarf Throwing Act 2003 has been enacted, with penalties of a maximum fine of $5,000 or imprisonment for up to six months, or both . Maybe they have a special wing in the prisons for dwarven throwers. Hmmm…
Despite all those fanciful lawsuits, this bizarre sport still takes place today. During my research for this article/compulsive time waster, I came across a random Satan-like website that had a section on dwarf throwing. These photos (see below) were taken at a recent event, likely in the heart of Sheepball-on-sea. One thing I noticed – if you look closely at the pictures – it’s the same dwarf thrown by each of these hicks. The poor bastard! It is not fair ! He doesn’t even have a helmet or anything!
Remember folks, no matter how weird, different, or weirdly fascinating this dark and perverted sport might seem, don’t try it. Johnny Law will be right behind you ready to throw your bitch ass in jail. You’ve heard of what they do to rapists in jail, haven’t you? Imagine what they would do to a dwarven caster. In conclusion… it’s never cool to be a pitcher.
An article from: Part Time Ninja [http://www.twistededge.co.uk]
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