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How And Why Do Most Affairs End?
I often have two different groups of people asking me this question. Sometimes people whose spouses are having an affair want to know why and how relationships end so they can try to get the affair to end sooner. Other times, I hear from the people involved in the case. They don’t want this to end, so they look for common pitfalls in hopes of being able to avoid them. Most of the time, one side hopes the case ends (and looks for a way to help that process happen faster) while the other side hopes it never ends. In the following article, I’ll tell you some of the most common reasons I see business ending.
The affair will usually die down as the “newness” and excitement wears off: There is no doubt that, for many, part of the appeal of the affair is that it is taboo and forbidden. There can be excitement that accompanies a secret new relationship. But as the early days give way to the old, that feeling of new quickly fades and gives way to the familiar. And when that happens, a lot of that excitement goes with it. When this happens, the affair/relationship will often die a natural death or die out. Because it’s often not real or genuine feelings and emotions that hold these two together. It is a fading facade.
Sometimes the guilt becomes so overwhelming that one party chooses to end the case: It is also not uncommon for a person to end the affair out of guilt. There is a stereotype that people who have affairs are insensitive and no longer care about their spouse. It’s not always the case. Many feel guilty and some even end the affair because of those same feelings of guilt. Although the person in front of the case often hopes or thinks that the person they are cheating with has become estranged from their family or is no longer as invested as they once were, sometimes this turns out not to be the case.
Sometimes the loyal spouse finds out about the affair and a choice has to be made: It is not at all uncommon for the faithful spouse to learn of the affair (and sometimes the unfaithful spouse will own up to it.) When this happens, the faithful spouse will often issue an ultimatum and demand that a choice is made. And it’s not at all uncommon for the cheating spouse to end the affair in response to this ultimatum because they decide that their spouse is more important to them than the other person.
An affair can end because one or both of the people involved realize that the relationship no longer works or was built on misconceptions: It’s also not uncommon for one or both people in the relationship to evaluate it and decide it’s not working anymore or just isn’t what they thought or hoped it would be. Often, at first, they can make the other person something they are not. After all, if you’re going to risk your marriage and your family to participate in infidelity, that other person must be awfully special. But, after a while, it becomes easier to see them for who they really are or not. And when that happens, you may realize that the other person (or relationship) just isn’t worth the personal risk or cost.
When reality sets in, rose-colored glasses can come off: At the start of an affair, both people usually put on their best behavior and work very hard to make each encounter exciting and memorable. Usually at least one person invests a lot in the relationship. But it can only last or sustain for so long. Eventually, she might see or have to pick up her dirty socks. His lack of character could start to annoy him and the list goes on and on. The thing is, eventually, the relationship behind the affair becomes just like any other relationship – warts and all. And it can become pretty obvious that if the affair is going to have all the usual problems of a marriage or other long-term relationship, then what’s the point?
The end of a relationship can come very suddenly or quite gradually: Sometimes when people think of an affair ending, they imagine a very dramatic breakup. I’ve had people tell me they sat on the phone while their spouse called the other person and immediately ended the affair. I’ve heard of nasty face-to-face confrontations and threats of never having contact again. But an affair doesn’t always end well. It can also end in a gradual whimper where one person quietly interrupts or the interactions or meetings become less and less frequent until they eventually end completely.
No matter how and why cases end, most do. Statistics show that very few relationships that begin as an affair end in marriage – let alone one that actually lasts. There is an exception to every rule, of course. But for the most part, an affair isn’t likely to go well or end well. This is why it may be advisable never to start one in the first place.
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